January 19th, '03
Three Views from Space

The launch of Space Shuttle Columbia, together with the first Israeli astronaut, Ilan Ramon, has caused nothing less than a media frenzy here. And why not? This country is desperate for some good news; an astronaut that proudly represents the Jewish state, and earns the praise of NASA to boot, does a lot for our national morale.

So what was I doing as Ramon and his Columbia cohorts were taking off? I wasn't home watching TV with my kids, even though I would have liked to be. No, I was attending a lecture at the local community center - a presentation by the Home Front Command, in English, about the care and feeding of our gas masks.

Mind you, I'm no stranger to the threat of chemical warfare. I lived in downtown Tel Aviv during the Gulf War, and even consider myself a "war bride" (see Memories of a Gulf War Romance for more about that). But this time round, I have four kids to suit up when the sirens go off. And I don't want to have my head in the instruction manual while I'm doing it.

So, with about 50 other English-speaking immigrants, I sat politely as a young Russian soldier described the symptoms of nerve gas and mustard gas exposure, explained how to use the emergency syringe, and showed us the ins and outs (or is it "ons" and "offs"?) of three different gas mask models: the adult (somber black), the three-to-eight-year-old (a plastic headpiece with bright yellow and red straps), and the zero-to-three (a full upper-body covering in clear plastic, which, in addition to the "cheery" colored straps, sports its own built-in baby bottle, and a harness for strapping the child on to Mom).

While brightly colored straps may make the masks seem like more fun to some kids, I had a bit of trouble with the harness concept. I would venture that the majority of the zero-to-threes would just as soon forfeit the option of cuddling up to their mother, given the black monstrosity she's going to be wearing on her face.

But back to Ilan Ramon. On the local news this morning, two commentators were having a field day making cynical fun of the media brou-ha-ha. It was totally out of proportion, they declared, because there were dozens of truly newsworthy scientific achievements that come out of Israel every year that never make the headlines (true). What's more, the media hype was just a pitiful expression of patriotism (p-tooey!) for patriotism's sake. And if we think Israel's so smart, get this: Among the thirty-odd countries that have already sent astronauts into space are Syria and Mongolia.

In other words, if you feel good about the first Israeli astronaut, you're a just a pathetic victim of Zionist media manipulation.

Great. Nothing like a little pick-me-up for the battered national spirit. Where do they get these guys?

Anyway, take#3 on the Ilan Ramon story is this great parody, I repeat, parody, of a news report I saw on littlegreenfootballs.com. Enjoy.

ARAB LEAGUE CONDEMNS NASA LAUNCH
Arab street 'explodes' in the wake of 'illegal Zionist occupation' of Earth orbit

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (al-Jee'ef) - The Arab League "strongly condemned" today the launch of the NASA space shuttle Columbia with Israeli astronaut Col. Ilan Ramon on board. "This is surely but the first step towards complete and outright illegal Zionist occupation of space," said Arab League spokesman Abr Souffla. "We will not sit idly by and permit this usurpation of a cosmos that by birthright belongs to the Palestinian people and their Arab and Muslim brethren. The Israeli occupation of Palestine must end, and the Zionists must not be permitted any further territorial grabs of Historic Palestine, whether in the West Bank or in low earth orbit."

In Gaza City today, thousands of Palestinians marched in the streets, many firing weapons into the air. "With our blood and our souls, we will strike the orbital Zionists," chanted the protestors. Sheikh Yermani-Makr, appearing on Palestinian television, said, "It is not enough that the unbelievers have come on our land, but now they also take our heavens? How can this be permitted?" Palestinian youths also took to the streets in Nablus, chanting, "One! two! Where's the Arab manned space program?" In Nablus, three Palestinian youths were dragged through the streets by members of the al-Aksa Martyrs Brigade, who accused them of being "collaborators." Witnesses said that the teenagers were heard making positive statements about the American science fiction program Star Trek, several of whose main characters were played by Jewish actors. Reports of the teenagers having received "atomic wedgies" were unconfirmed.

In New York today, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said that an Israeli presense in space is "unhelpful" and would only serve to further aggravate tensions between Israelis and Arabs. The sentiment was echoed from Madrid by EU representative Javier Solana, who said that what the Middle East needed was more negotiation, and "less cosmic adventurism."

Yaser Arafat's live speech on the Qatar-based pan-Arab satellite network al-Jazeera today was quickly discontinued as he began talking about "Martyrs by the millions, floating toward Jupiter."

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